Opposite Action: Acting Against Unhelpful Emotions

Depression tells you to stay in bed, but staying in bed makes depression worse. Anxiety says to avoid the thing you fear, but avoidance feeds anxiety. Anger urges you to attack, but attacking usually creates more problems. Your emotions give you instructions, but following those instructions often perpetuates the very emotions you’re trying to escape.

Opposite action, a skill from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), offers a different approach. Instead of following the emotion’s instructions, you do the opposite. This isn’t about suppressing emotions or pretending they don’t exist. It’s about recognizing when your emotion’s action urge is making things worse and consciously choosing a different path.

Understanding Opposite Action

What It Is

Opposite action means:

• Identifying the action urge that comes with an emotion
• Determining whether that action is helpful or harmful
• If harmful, doing the opposite of what the emotion tells you to do
• Doing it fully, not half-heartedly

The Logic Behind It

Emotions come with built-in action tendencies:

• Fear urges avoidance or escape
• Anger urges attack
• Sadness urges withdrawal
• Guilt urges confession and repair
• Shame urges hiding

These tendencies evolved because they were useful in certain situations. But when emotions are unjustified or unhelpful, following their instructions keeps you stuck.

How It Works

Actions affect emotions:

• If you act afraid, you feel more afraid
• If you act confident, you feel more confident
• If you isolate, you feel more depressed
• If you engage, depression often lifts

By changing the action, you change the feedback your brain receives, which can change the emotion.

When to Use Opposite Action

The Key Question

Opposite action is appropriate when:

The emotion doesn’t fit the facts or
Acting on the emotion is not effective

If the emotion fits the facts and acting on it would be effective, follow the emotion’s guidance. But if the emotion is disproportionate, unjustified, or would lead to harmful action, opposite action is indicated.

Examples

Fear that doesn’t fit:
– You fear something that isn’t actually dangerous
– Avoidance would make fear worse
– Opposite action: Approach what you fear

Anger that doesn’t fit:
– The situation doesn’t warrant your level of anger
– Attacking would damage important relationships
– Opposite action: Be gentle, avoid the person, or do something kind

Shame that doesn’t fit:
– You haven’t actually violated your values
– Hiding would reinforce unwarranted shame
– Opposite action: Be public, share what you’re ashamed of

Sadness that doesn’t fit:
– The loss isn’t as significant as your emotion suggests
– Withdrawal is making depression worse
– Opposite action: Get active, engage with people

Guilt that doesn’t fit:
– You didn’t actually do anything wrong
– Apologizing would reinforce inappropriate guilt
– Opposite action: Don’t apologize or make amends

Opposite Actions for Common Emotions

For Fear/Anxiety

Emotion’s urge: Avoid, escape, hide, freeze

Opposite action:
– Approach what you fear
– Do what you’ve been avoiding
– Stay in the situation
– Act confidently (posture, voice, eye contact)
– Repeat approach until fear decreases

Important: This is essentially exposure therapy. Gradual, repeated approach to feared situations reduces fear over time.

For Anger

Emotion’s urge: Attack, confront aggressively, criticize, punish

Opposite action:
– Gently avoid the person (rather than confronting)
– Take a break from the situation
– Be kind or thoughtful toward the person
– Try to understand their perspective
– Relax your face and body

Note: Avoiding isn’t the same as stuffing anger. It’s strategic distance while the emotion is at its peak.

For Sadness/Depression

Emotion’s urge: Withdraw, isolate, be passive, stop activities

Opposite action:
– Get active, even when you don’t feel like it
– Approach others rather than withdrawing
– Engage in activities that usually bring enjoyment
– Pay attention to pleasurable aspects of activities
– Act confident and engaged

Note: This is similar to behavioral activation for depression.

For Shame

Emotion’s urge: Hide, avoid being seen, withdraw, keep secrets

Opposite action:
– Share what you’re ashamed of with safe people
– Be public rather than hiding
– Repeat the behavior if it isn’t actually wrong
– Act as if you’re not ashamed
– Keep your head up

Note: Only use opposite action for shame when you haven’t actually violated your values. If you have, the shame may be appropriate, and making amends may be more helpful.

For Guilt

Emotion’s urge: Apologize, confess, make reparations, punish yourself

Opposite action:
– Don’t apologize (if guilt is unjustified)
– Don’t confess to things you didn’t do wrong
– Don’t make reparations beyond what’s appropriate
– Stop self-punishment

Note: If you actually did something wrong, following guilt’s guidance (apologizing, making amends) is appropriate.

For Love (When Unhelpful)

Emotion’s urge: Approach, stay close, give, sacrifice

Opposite action:
– Avoid contact
– Distract yourself from thoughts of the person
– Stop giving if it’s not reciprocated or healthy
– Remind yourself of reasons the relationship isn’t working

Note: This applies when love is directed toward someone unavailable, harmful, or when the relationship needs to end.

How to Practice Opposite Action

Step 1: Identify the Emotion

What are you feeling? Name it specifically.

Step 2: Identify the Action Urge

What is the emotion telling you to do? What’s your instinct?

Step 3: Check the Facts

Does the emotion fit the situation? Consider:

• Is the threat real (for fear)?
• Was there actual wrongdoing (for guilt)?
• Is the loss significant (for sadness)?
• Is your response proportionate?

Step 4: Determine Effectiveness

If you follow the urge, will it:

• Make things better or worse?
• Help you achieve your goals?
• Align with your values?

Step 5: If Indicated, Do the Opposite

Choose the opposite action and do it fully:

• Commit completely
• Don’t do it half-heartedly
• Change your body, face, and posture to match
• Repeat as needed

Step 6: Notice the Result

How do you feel after opposite action? Often, the emotion decreases over time.

Keys to Effective Opposite Action

Go All In

Half-measures don’t work:

• Approach fear tentatively = staying fearful
• Be partially kind when angry = still angry
• Half-engage when depressed = still depressed

Opposite action requires full commitment.

Change Your Body

Your body affects your emotions:

• Relax your face and shoulders
• Stand or sit confidently
• Use an even, calm tone of voice
• Make appropriate eye contact

Acting opposite includes acting opposite with your body.

Repeat

One instance of opposite action may not be enough:

• Fear requires repeated exposure
• Depression may need sustained activation
• Shame needs ongoing willingness to be seen

Make opposite action a practice, not a one-time event.

Start with What’s Manageable

You don’t have to tackle your biggest fear immediately:

• Build up gradually
• Start with smaller opposite actions
• Build confidence and skill

When Not to Use Opposite Action

When Emotions Fit the Facts

If your emotion is justified and acting on it would be helpful:

• Fear in actual danger: escape
• Anger at genuine mistreatment: assertive action
• Guilt for real wrongdoing: repair
• Sadness from significant loss: allow grieving

When Safety Is Concerned

Don’t use opposite action in ways that endanger you:

• Approaching genuinely dangerous situations
• Staying in abusive relationships
• Ignoring valid warning signals

Common Challenges

“I Don’t Feel Like It”

That’s precisely the point. Emotions tell you to do one thing; you choose another. The feeling follows the action, not the other way around.

“It Feels Fake”

Initially, opposite action may feel inauthentic. That’s normal. With repetition, actions become more natural and emotions genuinely shift.

“It’s Too Hard”

Start smaller. Break opposite action into manageable steps. Build up gradually.

“It Doesn’t Work”

Make sure you’re:

• Going all in, not half-heartedly
• Repeating enough times
• Changing your body along with your behavior
• Using it when the emotion actually doesn’t fit

Moving Forward

Opposite action is one of the most powerful tools in the DBT toolkit. It recognizes that we’re not helpless against our emotions. While we can’t always control what we feel, we can control what we do. And what we do shapes what we feel.

When emotions push you toward actions that keep you stuck, you have a choice. You can follow the emotion’s instructions and stay where you are. Or you can do the opposite and create the possibility of change.

It’s not easy. Every instinct may scream to follow the emotion. But those instincts aren’t always right. Sometimes the path to feeling better is doing the opposite of what you feel like doing.

This article is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health treatment. If you’re struggling, please reach out to a qualified mental health provider. Arise Counseling Services offers compassionate, professional support for individuals and families throughout Pennsylvania.